WHERE THE HECK IS ED SCHEDLEY? FEBRUARY 19, 2003 CAST: ANNOUNCER PHIL D. UNDERWOOD LUCY LENS MONSIEUR SMUDGE CARLOTTA INK FRENCHIE MARIE-JEANNE LEBIC CONSTABLE FLURRY VIRAGO ZAPATA HONEYDIP UNIDENTIFIED MALE PATRON FX: SCISSORS PAPER DREAM INTRO DREAM EXIT PMAN 27 EXCERPTS - 12/23 AND 22/23 CUTLERY NOISES PHONE RING FAX SQUEAL GUNSHOTS RESTAURANT NOISES CAR DRIVING NOISE POLICE SIREN METAL CLANG INSERT INTRO. LIVE CHARACTERS START APPROX. 8 MINUTES LATER ANNOUNCER: In our last episode… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S WORK… FX: echo and reverb off ANNOUNCER: the RCMP tried to deal with the thorny issue of legitimate medical marijuana use… FX: insert Pman27 clip 12/23 from Zap: Ah, Constable to Virago: my sergeant. ANNOUNCER: …but PAPERMAN saved the day with a very special piece of paper indeed… FX: insert Pman 27 clip 22/23 from Phil: Well Sergeant to FX: cheering ANNOUNCER: Now, join the Pure Hemp Rolling Paper Company and the… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME NOR ANY TIME PLAYERS… FX: echo and reverb off ANNOUNCER: …for episode twenty-eight of… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …PAPERMAN. FX: echo and reverb off ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode is entitled… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …WHERE THE HECK IS ED SCHEDLEY? FX: echo and reverb off ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode begins at Zap's Discount Doughnuts, Reamsville's home of artery-hardening deep-fried death-by-lard… ZAP: (interrupting) Hey! Don't dis my doughnuts! ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode begins at Zap's Discount Doughnuts, Reamsville's home of fine dining… ZAP: (interrupting) Well, don't go overboard! ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode begins at Zap's Discount Doughnuts, Reamsville's best doughnut shop… ZAP: (interrupting) Right on! ANNOUNCER: …where employee Marie-Jeanne Lebic is about to receive a lesson in business ethics from her boss… FX: cutlery noises LEBIC: Oh, Mister Honeydip? ZAP: Call me Zap, honey. Everybody does. LEBIC: No, thank you. Mr. Honeydip. And I'll thank you not to call me "honey"! ZAP: Hey, hey, hey! What's that you're throwing in the garbage, honey, uh Lebic? LEBIC: This tub of rancid lard. It's "best before" date is so old, it's in Roman numerals! ZAP: That lard's still okay! Let's see. Best before September 11, 2001. Why, that's only a year and a half ago. Everything was better before September 11, 2001. That lard's still …(sniff, sniff - then gagging) …okay! LEBIC: And what about this cream? It should have been used 3 weeks ago! ZAP: (stage whisper) Well, hurry up and use it now! I thought I saw one of those nosy cops around. LEBIC: You've been running a doughnut shop for 5 years and you're surprised to see cops around? ZAP: Yeah, but usually they're up front schmoozing the counter staff or looking for free doughnuts. This one was sniffing around out back of the restaurant! LEBIC: Probably looking for skateboard kids, not evidence of food poisoning. ZAP: (sounding relieved) Yeah, I guess you're right. I shouldn't get so worried. After all, we've always had an A-1 health rating around Zap's Discount Doughnuts! LEBIC: Oh, that reminds me, Mr. Honeydip. A man dropped this off a few days ago. ZAP: Now, let's see here… FX: paper rustle ZAP: What?!?! A health inspection notice! I'm not surprised the cops are sniffing around! Lebic! Why didn't you tell me about this?!?! LEBIC: I am telling you about it! ZAP: When are the inspectors coming? Let me read this… FX: paper punch ZAP: Oh, my sweet timbits. The inspectors are coming this morningt! No wonder the cops are out by the dumpster. They're checking to see what we're chucking! LEBIC: The dumpster! But…but…but…the police can't look in the dumpster! ZAP: You can bet your sweet fritters they can, and they will. Say, Lebic, why are you so worried about cops looking in the dumpster? What you been putting in there? LEBIC: Oh….nossing…nossing. ZAP: Yeah, well, make sure it stays that way! LEBIC: Do you still want me to use up the cream and throw out the container. ZAP: No, no, no! Jesus, no! Let's…um…let's….let's start a fire! Yeah, that's it! You know, where there's smoke there's work, Lebic. LEBIC: I heard that last week. FX: paperman chords ANNOUNCER: We'll return in a moment to tonight's exciting PAPERMAN episode, but first a word from our kind sponsors, the fine folks at Pure Hemp Rolling Papers… FX: mikes down Insert Pure Hemp commercial #1 Mikes up Paperman chords behind following ANNOUNCER: We now return to tonight's exciting PAPERMAN episode, WHERE THE HECK IS ED SCHEDLEY? We now take you to the Reamsville headquarters of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police… FRENCHIE: That's RCMPHQ, eh? ANNOUNCER: That's right. RCMPHQA. FX: phone ring VIRAGO: RCMPHQ….(pause)….eh?…(pause)…eh? No, Sergeant Snubnose is away today. I'm in charge instead. I'm Constable Flurry Virago…(pause)..what's that - a cat stuck in your tree - sure - we'll be around to shoot it right away. Oh, you like the cat, do you? Well, I guess the RCMP can't be of any help, then. Have a nice day! FX: fax squeal VIRAGO: What's this, now? Let's see. A fax from the Reamsville by-law enforcement office. "Please assist health inspection at Zap's Discount Doughnuts this morning. Officers will arrive at RCMPHQ at 0-nine hundred hours." Oh yeah. Sergeant Snubnose told me to outfit them with whatever weapons and equipment they need. Uh-oh, they'll be arriving soon. Better load a few guns up. FX: gunshots VIRAGO: Oopsydaisy! ANNOUNCER: …but as Constable Virago prepares for the arrival of the health inspectors, a strange drama is unfolding at the Reamsville Nut Walk…er…I mean the… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …REAMSVILLE NEXT WEEK… FX: echo and reverb off Door open and close PHIL: Good morning, Lucy. LUCY: Good morning, Phil. You're in early today. Is your alarm clock malfunctioning? PHIL: Very funny, Lucy. You know, I might just get the urge to start work early for a change. LUCY: Sure, Phil. And pigs might fly. But I'm not going to hold my breath waiting. PHIL: Speaking of pigs, where's Mr. Schedley? LUCY: I don't know, Phil. I haven't heard a sound from his office since I arrived this morning. It's not like him to be this late. PHIL: I thought you just said it was early. LUCY: For you, it's early. For Mr. Schedley, it's late. He's always in before me! PHIL: Except for that time he was interviewing new secretaries. He was late a few mornings then. LUCY: Well, we'd better go and check the teletype in his office. See if there are any important news stories we should be following up on. PHIL: Right behind you, Lucy. FX: door open LUCY: (gasp) Oh my god! PHIL: Why, it looks as if a tornado's been through kamasutra's office! LUCY: I suspect foul play, Phil. PHIL: This is no time to think about baseball, Lucy. I feel Mr. Schedley may have fallen victim to some nefarious miscreants. LUCY: Some what? PHIL: Some bad guys. LUCY: That's what I said, Phil. Wait! There's a note here on kemosaby's desk! It says: "Do you want to see your editor alive again? Are you prepared to meet my demands? PHIL: Wow! That's a good question. LUCY: But Phil. Don't you want to know what her demands are first? PHIL: I meant the question about whether or not we want to see Schedley alive again. LUCY: Shame on you, Phil! Of course we want to see Mr. Schedley alive again. PHIL: Well, I guess he does sign the paycheques. What does the note say the kidnappers want? LUCY: It has a list of demands. They want (gasp) 20 BILLION FRENCH FRANCS!!! Phil! How much is that in Canadian dollars? PHIL: Let me see now - carry the two, etc. About forty-seven dollars and ten cents. LUCY: I'll check the petty cash drawer. PHIL: No, wait Lucy. They have more demands. LUCY: Let me see the list, Phil. Let's see. Two cartons of Gitanes and a decent baguette. That should bring the total up to about one hundred dollars. I'll still check the petty cash drawer. PHIL: No, wait, Lucy. We can't give in to their demands. LUCY: I know what you mean, Phil. Even though the ransom is ridiculously low, we only encourage extortion when we give in to it. PHIL: No, Lucy. I mean French Francs are no longer available. They've been replaced by the Euro. Does the note say anything more? LUCY: There's a warning: "Contact the authorities or come looking for Schedley, and he's a dead editor." PHIL: I wonder who could have hatched this diabolical plan? Judging by the dark splotches all over this room, I sense the inky hand of Monsoor Smooge. LUCY: Phil! Those are ketchup stains from Schedley's lunches. PHIL: Oh, yes. But remember the last time we had a kidnapping here. Smooge was behind it then. LUCY: Wait, Phil. Look at the bottom of the ransom note. It's signed "Marie-Jeanne Lebic". PHIL: Well, maybe Smooge and his crew, with their experience in kidnapping, could help us find Ed and this woman Lebic. Let's go down to Carlotta's Restaurant, shall we? FX: door open and close Footsteps Door open and close Restaurant noises FRENCHIE: Good evening and welcome to Carlotta's Restaurant. Table for two? LUCY: No need to be so formal, Frenchie, it's your old friends Phil and Lucy. PHIL: (stage whisper) Frenchie, can you ask Monsoor Smooge if he'll help us? FRENCHIE: (with mock indignation) Monsoor Smooge?!?! I'm sure I have no idea to whom you are referring, sir! LUCY: (stage whisper) Come off it, Frenchie! We know you and Carlotta are in like flimp with Smudge. FRENCHIE: Let me see what I can do. (pause - then calling) Oh, Carlotta? CARLOTTA: Oui, Frenchie? FRENCHIE: (stage whisper) These people want to talk to Smudgy. CARLOTTA: (stage whisper) What for? FRENCHIE: (stage whisper) I'm not sure. (then aloud) What do you want to talk to Smudge for? PHIL: (stage whisper) Shh. We need to talk to Smudge about a kidnapping, but we don't really want the whole world to know! FRENCHIE: (aloud) KIDNAPPING?!?! FX: Carlotta, Lucy and Phil all shush Frenchie FRENCHIE: (stage whisper) Kidnapping!?!? (then sounding hurt) Carlotta, Smudgy hasn't been kidnapping people without me, has he? CARLOTTA: Of course not, Frenchie. You know he'd never leave you out of any fun! UNIDENTIFIED MALE PATRON: Hey! What's all this talk about kidnapping? FRENCHIE: Hey, table three. Why don't you just mind your own beeswax and eat your vichyssoise. UNIDENTIFIED MALE PATRON: Because it's stone cold. FRENCHIE: It's supposed to be cold, you unrefined white trash! CARLOTTA: Frenchie, remember the customer is always right. Take that vichyssoise back to Monsieur Sm….I mean Monsieur le Chef and 'ave it 'eated. FRENCHIE: 'Ave it what? CARLOTTA: 'Ave it 'eated. 'EATED. FRENCHIE: Actually, Carlotta, I think our customer here still wants to eat it (pause - then in exaggerated accent) 'imself. CARLOTTA: No, Frenchie. Warm up the soup! FX: footsteps walking away behind following line FRENCHIE: (muttering to self) Uncultured Reamsville white trash. Don't even know vichyssoise is supposed to be cold. FX: footsteps continue FRENCHIE: (shouting from outside studio) Hey, Sm….I mean Monsieur le Chef. Table 3 wants (pause- then mockingly) hot vichyssoise. SMUDGE: (shouting from outside studio) Hot vichyssoise. That's blasphemy! Let me at them! Where's that cleaver?!?! No, no. The sharp one! FX: footsteps stomp toward mike UNIDENTIFIED MALE PATRON: On second thought, we'll just take our bill, please. CARLOTTA: Certainment. LUCY: (stage whisper to Phil) Typical Canadians, eh? Where are we allowed to line up to pay to be disrespected? FX: paperman chords ANNOUNCER: …well table 3, in typical Canadian fashion, left Carlotta's restaurant in fear and frustration, but still leaving a modest tip for Frenchie. Not long after that, a little impromptu… FRENCHIE: That means unplanned. ANNOUNCER: I know that….(ahem) A little impromptu meeting takes place in the kitchen of the restaurant… SMUDGE: All right, Underwood. What's the deal? PHIL: Our kamasutra…I mean our editor, Mr. Schedley has been kidnapped. We need your help to rescue him. SMUDGE: I didn't know there were other kidnappers in town. Who's got him? The Asian Gong Gang? The Apostle Bunch? LUCY: Nope. It's that wicked Marie-Jeanne Lebic. SMUDGE: Oh, that medium point impostor. I wouldn't give her the ink off my Gestetners! What you got for clues? LUCY: Just this ransom note. SMUDGE: Allright. Let me see that. FX: paperman chords ANNOUNCER: We'll return in a moment to tonight's exciting PAPERMAN episode, but first a word from our kind sponsors, the fine folks at Pure Hemp Rolling Papers… FX: mikes down Insert Pure Hemp commercial #2 Mikes up Paperman chords behind following ANNOUNCER: We now return to tonight's exciting PAPERMAN episode, WHERE THE HECK IS ED SCHEDLEY? After Monsoor Smudge checked out the ransom note, they formulated a plan to locate Marie-Jeanne Lebic, and hopefully draw her out into the open and thereby discover the whereabouts of Ed Schedley. We join Smudge, Carlotta, Frenchie, Lucy and Phil as they drive towards the headquarters of the… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE FX: echo and reverb off UNIDENTIFIED MALE PATRON: That's RCMPHQ, eh? ANNOUNCER: That's right, RCMPHQA. (pause) Hey. Your part's finished already! Get out of here! FX: car driving noise CARLOTTA: But cherie, why are we going to the police station. SMUDGE: Simple, Carlotta. The police keep a file on every master criminal in town. We look up Lebic's file, find out where she's at and BINGO we find Schedley. FRENCHIE: Sacred blue, boss. I don't like going to the police station. Remember how we almost got nicked last time. SMUDGE: Well, you know what I say, Frenchie. Almost counts in… CARLOTTA: (interrupting) 'Orseshoes and 'and grenades. SMUDGE: Here we are. Now, everybody let me do the talking. FX: door open and close VIRAGO: Good evening, and welcome to RCMPHQ, eh? You must be the public health inspection team! SMUDGE: Why…why… PHIL: Why not? SMUDGE: Why, indeed we are. VIRAGO: Well, I've got some bulletproof vests for you here, now careful with these automatic weapons, they're all loaded up and the safeties are already off for you, here's some night vision goggles and a few cans of pepper spray, in case there are children…(pause) …all right - everyone ready? Then we're off to Zap's Discount Doughnuts! SMUDGE: Why not? FX: police siren ANNOUNCER: …but as our intrepid crew speeds towards their date with doughnuts…I mean her date with destiny, an ugly scene is taking place at Zap's Discount Doughnuts…(pause)… the wicked Marie-Jeanne Lebic is dragging a bound, gagged and sedated Ed Schedley out of a dumpster… FX: metal clang muffled man grunting ANNOUNCER: …and into the kitchen… LEBIC: Allright…(sneeringly)….Mr. Schedley - I'm putting you in the lard recycling bin until your employees pay my ransom. FX: muffled man grunting Metal clang FX: echo and reverb on LEBIC: Now you stay down there until I come back, Schedley. FX: echo and reverb off ANNOUNCER: …and just then our intrepid crew arrives, headed up by Constable Flurry Virago. VIRAGO: Stand back, everyone. I'm busting this door down! FX: crash VIRAGO: All right! Get your spatulas up in the air! This kitchen is being in-spected! FX: metal clang VIRAGO: You there! What did you just drop in that bin? LEBIC: Oh, nossing, nossing. LUCY: Phil! That's Lebic there! Look at her Zap name tag! PHIL: Allright you evil French woman. What have you done with our kamasutra? Don't forget I've got some very deadly RCMP weapons here. ANNOUNCER: …but just as Lebic is about to enter, the owner, Zapata Honeydip, comes into the kitchen… ZAP: Hey! What the timbits is going on here?!? VIRAGO: Public Health Inspection. Please spread your crullers and cough. ZAP: Over my dead fritters, honey! FX: metal clang LUCY: Oh my gosh! He jumped right into that bin marked 'lard recycling'. He's going to be awfully slippery now! FX: metal clang SMUDGE: Aha! Just as I suspected. There's no bottom to this bin. It goes straight into the sewer system below the building. I think Mister Zap has made a clever escape. FX: metal clang LEBIC: Oh, merde! I put Schedley down there and he's gone too. There go my Gitanes. CARLOTTA: Gitanes?!?! You should be smoking natural with Pure Hemp! LUCY: But what about poor Mr. Schedley. (sigh) If only paperman was here. (pause) Phil! Where are you going. PHIL: The lard is making me a bit leasy, qucy, I mean queasy, Lucy. I'll be right back. ANNOUNCER: …but a few moments later FX: paperman entry noises PHIL: Never fear, Paperman is here! PHIL: Hand me that flour and those doughnut boxes, would you please, Frenchie? FRENCHIE: Sure, Paperman! FX: paper punches. LUCY: What are you doing, Paperman? PHIL: Mixing up glue for papier mache. We're going to make an exact full-sized replica of Ed Schedley, drop it into the sewer, follow it downstream, and wherever it ends up, that's where we'll find whatever's left of kama… I mean your Mr. Schedley. CARLOTTA: But what if 'e tried to swim upsewer? PHIL: Oh, I think it's pretty safe to assume he was bound hand and foot, eh Lebic? LEBIC: Sacre bleu! You've got me fair and square, Paperman! FX: paperman chords ANNOUNCER: We'll return in a moment to tonight's exciting PAPERMAN episode, but first a word from our kind sponsors, the fine folks at Pure Hemp Rolling Papers… FX: mikes down Insert Pure Hemp commercial #3 Mikes up Paperman chords behind following ANNOUNCER: We now return to tonight's exciting PAPERMAN episode, WHERE THE HECK IS ED SCHEDLEY? After a few hours of futile searching in Reamsville's sewer system, Constable Flurry Virago took Marie-Jeanne Lebic off to jail again… FX: police siren ANNOUNCER: …Monsieur Smudge and Carlotta returned to Carlotta's restaurant, along with Frenchie, Smudge's evil confederate… FRENCHIE: Hey. I don't even belong to a political party. ANNOUNCER: No, no, it means…never mind…and Phil and Lucy returned, Schedleyless to the Reamsville Nut Walk… I mean the… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …REAMSVILLE NEXT WEEK… FX: echo and reverb off LUCY: Gee, Phil. It's going to be funny not having kemosaby around here. PHIL: Well, he may be stuck in a pile of poop, but that doesn't mean he's down and out! I've a suspicion Ed Schedley will rise up again smelling like a rose! LUCY: Enough of the olfactory metaphors, Phil. By the way, where did you disappear to when Paperman was doing his papier mache thing? And why do you smell like poop? I didn't see you down in the sewer! FX: paperman chords ANNOUNCER: Will Lucy Lens discover that Paperman is actually the alter ego of Phil D. Underwood? Will Ed Schedley ever poop up… I mean pop up again? For the answer to these and other questions, stay tuned to the exciting adventures of … FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …PAPERMAN… FX: echo and reverb off ANNOUNCER: Our exciting adventures will continue on the second Wednesday of each month, so listen for episode number twenty-nine of Paperman on Wednesday March 12th. Paperman. Brought to you by CHCR, So Much Things to Say, Pure Hemp Rolling Papers and the… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME NOR ANY TIME PLAYERS… FX: echo and reverb off FX: ONE VERSE AND CHORUS OF PAPERMAN THEME ROLE CALL BLESSINGS, ALL. SEE YOU MARCH 12TH. PAPERMAN30
APRIL 9, 2003.
CAST: ANNOUNCER
PHIL D. UNDERWOOD
LUCY LENS
MONSIEUR SMUDGE
CARLOTTA INK
SERGEANT DICK SNUBNOSE
FRANCOISE
MARIE-JEANNE LEBIC
CONSTABLE FLURRY VIRAGO
FX: SCISSORS
PAPER
DREAM INTRO
DREAM EXIT
PMAN 29 EXCERPTS - 4/17 AND 16/17
TYPEWRITER
COMPUTER WINDOWS OPENING NOISE
BELL RING
BIRDS CHIRPING
CUTLERY NOISES
TOY BUS CD
BUS DRIVING NOISE
POLICE SIREN
RATCHET WRENCH
INSERT INTRO.
LIVE CHARACTERS START APPROX. 8 MINUTES LATER
PHIL: extry, extry, read all about it. Coalition rescues photogenic young female American soldier. Movie deal expected soon!
ANNOUNCER: In our last episode... THE MORE THINGS CHANGE...
ANNOUNCER: …Lucy Lens decided to embark on a campaign to bring affirmative action into the Reamsville employment situation…
FX: dream intro - Insert Pman29 excerpt 4/17
LUCY: In fact, I'm going to bring affirmative action into every business in the entire Tri-Valley area, starting right here in Reamsville!
PHIL: Now, now Lucy. Don't over-extend yourself. Don't forget you've still got to photograph Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip during the Royal Reamsville Tour next week.
LUCY: Royalty can wait! Nothing is as powerful as an idea whose time has come, Phil!
PHIL: Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, Lucy!
FX: dream exit
ANNOUNCER: …but in the end, Lucy and Phil learned that changing old habits is a slow, slow process…
FX: dream intro - Insert Pman 29 excerpt 16/17
LUCY: We'd better hurry, Phil. The interviews are about to begin. PHIL: You bet, Lucy. I don't want to miss them. I'm going to make sure the Board hires a woman. I've really seen that affirmative action works! LUCY: Here's the board room now. FX: door open and close PHIL: (stage whisper) Lucy! Every single applicant is male! LUCY: (stage whisper) The more things change, Phil, the more they remain the same. FX: dream exit ANNOUNCER: Now, join the Pure Hemp Rolling Paper Company and the… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …NOT READY FOR PRIME TIME NOR ANY TIME PLAYERS… FX: echo and reverb off ANNOUNCER: …for episode number thirty of… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …PAPERMAN. FX: echo and reverb off ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode is entitled… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …THE MORE THINGS CHANGE… FX: echo and reverb off ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode begins at the offices of the Reamsville Nut Walk…er…I mean the… FX: echo and reverb on ANNOUNCER: …REAMSVILLE NEXT WEEK… FX: echo and reverb off Door open and close PHIL: Morning, Lucy. LUCY: Good morning, Phil. PHIL: Well, Lucy, what's news today? Get it? What's "news"? LUCY: I get it, Phil. Very funny. Come on. Let's get to work. We need a story for the evening edition. PHIL: That doesn't give us much time, Lucy. What are our news options? LUCY: Well, since our illustrious Editorial Board hasn't hired a new flunky…I mean editor yet, I guess we'll have to see what's coming in over the teletype. FX: typewriter to simulate teletype continues behind following PHIL: Holy cow, Lucy! Listen to this: "Donald Bumsfeld says coagulation isn't slowing down" Well, he's wrong, isn't he Lucy? LUCY: That's "Rumsfeld" and the "Coalition", Phil. Someone must have spilled coffee in the teletype again. I don't know why you bother with that old clunker, Phil. Let's check the internet. FX: teletype stops, computer windows opening noise LUCY: Iraq and SARS, Iraq and SARS. That's all there is in the news these days. No local stories. PHIL: Wait a minute, Lucy. Have you heard about these "embedded" reporters? LUCY: Sure, Phil. Haven't you heard? They're riding with all the coalition forces! PHIL: You mean you get to ride around in a tank? That's the job for me! LUCY: Don't be so sure, Phil. One of those "embedded" reporters drowned yesterday because his American GI tank crew drove straight into a canal! PHIL: Well, war is heck, Lucy, but it's our job to cover it! LUCY: Phil, there are already over 800 embedded reporters, there. I don't really think the world needs additional coverage from the Reamsville Next Week. Besides, how are we gonna file a story for this evening's edition? PHIL: Don't worry, Lucy. We'll file interim progress reports, starting with one from the airport this afternoon. After all, until the Editorial Board replaces Schedley, we've got control of the travel budget. LUCY: I don't think this is a very good idea, Phil. PHIL: Aw, come on, Lucy! Where's your sense of adventure? Uncle George and Uncle Tony will take care of us! LUCY: (hesitantly) Umm. Well, okay, but I want a gas mask! PHIL: There's an army surplus store right next to Carlotta's Restaurant. Let's go! FX: paperman chords ANNOUNCER: We'll return in a moment to tonight's exciting PAPERMAN episode, but first a word from our kind sponsors, the fine folks at Pure Hemp Rolling Papers… FX: mikes down Insert Pure Hemp commercial #1 Mikes up Paperman chords behind following ANNOUNCER: We now return to tonight's exciting Paperman episode… IF YOU LIE WITH DOGS, YOU'RE GONNA GET FLEAS! We find Lucy and Phil arriving at George Senior's War Surplus… FX: door rattle PHIL: Nuts! They don't open for another hour. Let's go to Carlotta's and have some breakfast, Lucy. LUCY: Might as well, Phil. Our next meal is likely to come from the U.S. Marine Corps. PHIL: It might be even worse, Lucy. It could be Air Canada! FX: door open and close, accompanied by bell noise FRANCOISE: Ah. Good morning Ms. Lens, Mr. Underwood. Two for breakfast? LUCY: Please, Francoise. FRANCOISE: Please call me Maitre d'. LUCY: But of course, Maitre d'. How's the new job going? FRANCOISE: Not bad, but that Monsieur Le Chef keeps pretty strange hours! Plus, he has some pretty strange characters coming around. Uh-oh! Here comes the boss! Here are your menus. Enjoy your breakfast! LUCY: Why, thank you, Francoise. CARLOTTA: Bonjour Phil. Bonjour, Lucy! PHIL: Oh. Bone jower, Carlotta. You see, I'm practicing my French. Lucy and I are going abroad on assignment. LUCY: I don't think (disdainfully) French will help us out much in Iraq, Phil. FX: paperman chords ANNOUNCER: We'll return in a moment to tonight's exciting PAPERMAN episode, but first a word from our kind sponsors, the fine folks at Pure Hemp Rolling Papers… FX: mikes down Insert Pure Hemp commercial #2 Mikes up Paperman chords behind following ANNOUNCER: We now return to tonight's exciting Paperman episode… THE MORE THINGS CHANGE!